It’s Not Just You….
It’s Not Just You….
Addiction blinds us to everything. It makes us selfish and so we don’t bother to remember that it is not just you that it’s affecting. It bleeds into everything in our lives.
Five years ago, I lost my best friend to heroin. The thing is, he never even touched the stuff. The woman he loved, however, had an addiction to it and put her life in danger everyday. She had gotten herself into the deepest of trouble when her drug dealers came knocking because she hadn’t been able to pay. They beat my friend and took what they could to put toward her debt. This was the first time she finally saw it was not just her. The second time they came knocking, though, would be the last. He was shot and killed that night. This tragic event had a ripple effect through the lives of many – including my own.
It started out as a way to cope, to get through the day. Ah, but isn’t that always the way it starts? Xanax had become my constant companion until it was to the point that taking the recommended dose wasn’t enough. I started doubling, and tripling the doses. Eventually, that wasn’t enough anymore, either. So I started to crush and snort them. I was getting to a point where I didn’t recognize myself anymore. I was missing work because I would stay home to just keep hitting the pills and sleeping. It was my regular cycle – hit, sleep, hit, sleep, then eat a bunch of garbage. I was this unhealthy, miserable version of myself, and I hated it.
But no matter how much I hated it, I couldn’t stop it. I didn’t want to deal with the loss yet. I wasn’t ready to face it. Things were so much easier if I was high. But then it hit me. This started because of my inability to deal with the loss. I got addicted because I was only thinking of myself and my pain. Just like my best friend’s girl got wrapped up in her addiction for her own selfish reasons. Look what happened because of it. What could happen if I don’t change things for myself? What if someone gets hurt because of me? If it wasn’t just her, what if it’s not just me? I finally confessed to family and close friends what I was doing and how it was beyond my control. I needed help and I asked for it. I was fortunate to have a support system and they got me to meetings, helped me clean myself up and kick the habit. It was later that I found out how what I had been doing was scaring the people closest to me. I learned that my addiction wasn’t about just me.
That’s the thing about addiction – it’s not just you.